Out of control

I woke up this morning thinking I was in control. I had a plan, a schedule, I knew what I had to do and when. I was going to fit it all in somehow- my internship, my papers, tutoring, a presentation, and class.

I also woke up unable to breathe through my nose, and with a sore throat. But this was no matter- I was planning to continue my day as planned. I didn't have the luxury of being sick today.

I had everything that I needed for the day, I was leaving on time, and it was all going so smoothly!

Until I noticed frost on the back windshield of my car...which was strange since none of the other cars had any frost. It was especially strange when the frost began cracking and pieces of my window began to fall apart. On closer examination, the "frost" was actually my window shattered in a thousand little pieces. And a tiny hole in the corner led me to believe that someone had shot a bb gun, or something, at my back window.

Suddenly, my carefully planned day was out of control. I had no way to get where I needed to go (which happened to be Lancaster) and ended up being dependent on others to get around.

Isn't it amazing, and unfortunate, how much I rely on my car? And how much I rely on being able to plan and control the various aspects of my life?

I know the truth is that, ultimately, my life is not in my control. I can plan out each moment of each day of the next 10 years. But it will not turn out the way I plan. There are many other factors- other people's choices, good and bad. And you know, that little thing called God's will. The little thing that I will probably spend my life trying to figure out and never scratch the surface.

So why not just surrender? Why not trust?

I ended up spending the day doing needed work, taking it easy and trying to get better, and dealing with the car stuff. Not all I'd hoped for, but maybe where I needed to be.

Role Overload and Joy

I'll be honest. Lately, I have had trouble living up to my blog's name- you know the whole "rise and meet the day" thing. My mornings have been more like "hit the snooze alarm several times and grumble about how many things I have to do this day."

And I haven't had the best attitude about doing a lot of the things I have to do. Frankly, I am overwhelmed. As we learned in my Clinical class, I probably have "role overload." Having more than 5 roles at a given time is a recipe for disaster, so says the research. And I am a graduate student at Temple U., I am the advocacy coordinator of the Social Work Alliance, the Communication coordinator for Beyond Our Borders, an intern/therapist at Youth Advocate Programs, in charge of the el. school tutoring program for The Joshua Group, a volunteer, a fiance, a sister, a daughter, a friend...you get the picture. I am overloaded, and yes, with many roles that I have chosen, and some that have just occurred by virtue of being.

I am feeling all of this, and I have noticed that I have a bad attitude more regularly than I would like to admit. When people ask me how I am doing, they have recently gotten a groan in return and some reference to my exhaustion. This is not good. Where is the joy that I am supposed to have?

I was pondering all this as I stirred my iced coffee today (Counterculture from Midtown Scholar, of course). As I added the cream, I remembered how a dear friend of mine (Malinda) loves to watch the cream swirl and dissolve into coffee. And it reminded me of simple joys in life that I need to pay more attention to. So, this is what I am going to work on- focusing on the simple joys. Things like:

-one of the students I tutor who is from China and loves to joke around and try to make us all laugh

-another student- a 1st grader who gave me a picture that she made in school

-the screams and laughter of children who are playing "duck, duck goose" and are all hyped up in anticipation of trick-or-treat night

-a coffee break with the art therapist at my internship, who I enjoy talking with

-another great conversation with a co-worker about being a passionate vegetarian

-a 5 minute phone conversation with Emily that sparked laughter

- the silliness and sweetness of Josh when I greeted him after class

-my 17-year old brother calling me and offering to pray for peace in Harrisburg during our phone conversation

-the gorgeous, warm, blue sky day and the multi-colored leaves

-the vibrant Allison Hill community that rallied to provide safety and a fun trick-or-treat night for the kids

This is something I need to practice daily- a gratitude towards God, the people in my life, and the simple joys that can be found if I just pay attention a bit.

Thoughts...

Two interesting articles/blogs that I happened upon tonight. Parts I agree with, parts I'm not so sure. Just some things to ponder on the topic of homosexuality and Christianity:

http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/music/interviews/2010/jenniferknapp-apr10.html?start=1

http://blog.sojo.net/2010/09/23/god-loves-gays-and-so-should-we/

The ups and downs of city life

(This is a post I began about a month ago, and never posted. So here you go!)

In the past few weeks, my relationship with Harrisburg has been a bit of a roller coaster ride. Someone threw a rock at my window and broke it last week...and yesterday my bike was stolen. There were also some incidences of loud, disturbing middle-of-the-night craziness that can be a regular occurrence at times. These are the times when I wonder, "Why am I here, again?" Sometimes I forget the original reasons for wanting to live intentionally in the city.

But the saving graces outweigh the negatives:

A small group of friends went swimming in the river at a spot they frequent where I had never been before. It has a beautiful view of the mountains, the sun was setting, and the shallow rapids are calming and meditative. I am thankful that in this city, at least, it is relatively easy to drive 5-10 minutes up the road and really connect with nature.

National Night Out was a wonderful night full of old friends from the general community who I hadn't seen for a while. The girls I worked with in my first job out of college, who were young, shy, beautiful 11-13 year olds are now confident, resilient, beautiful 14-16 year olds. I felt a part of the community as I wandered around, greeting the youth and catching up.

A conversation with an acquaintance on the street tied it all together. He knocked on the window of my office when he saw me, motioning for me to come outside. He had seen me make an announcement at church and was excited to remind me about it. We started talking about lots of things: his church, the neighborhood, how things have changed in the many years he has lived in Allison Hill.

He talked about the "old days" in Allison Hill, how there used to be a vibrant farmer's market, and more stores and places of business. This was before the riots, he said. And then, after the riots, people started moving out. At least the ones who could move out, the ones who had the means to. Most of them unfortunately happened to be white.

But then he pointed to a house across the street from where we were standing, a house where an older white couple lives. "They've stuck it out," he said, "I have to tell them someday how much that means to me, they've been here for years." It was evident that their choice to stay in the city of Harrisburg, through good and bad times, meant a lot to him. It was like a statement of solidarity. While countless white churches and white families moved out of the city, a few stayed, symbolically saying, "Hey, we're in this together. We're not going anywhere."

So I am reminded of the joys, blessings, and the reasons I have chosen to live here in the first place.

Disparities

I am recently noticing in myself a tendency towards frustration with students and some of the kids that I work with. When I am working one-on-one with GED students, or one-on-five with kids, it is easy to get annoyed with hyperactivity, lack of knowledge, lateness, and inconsistency in showing up. It is easy to forget about the systems and institutions that are behind so many of the behaviors and values of the inner city.

And then I look at my GED student, who is choosing to pursue education in spite of hardship like lack of resources, lack of transportation, and difficulties with academics. I think about how by the time I was her age (18), I had already completed 13 years of private school, including a college prep high school.

I grew up with parents and family members who supported me and paid for SAT classes and provided for all my needs. I lived in a neighborhood where I could walk around at night without fear of violence, and news of shootings were rare to non-existant.

I think of one of the other kids who stopped by the house today. He is a 12 year old who acts too tough around the other guys, but is innocent, curious, even sweet when it's just him. He listed his recent family troubles- cousin who was hiding out got caught and sent to jail, another cousin recently shot and killed, another cousin killed in a car crash from driving drunk.

(A couple minutes later, he looked at me earnestly, and asked, "So...what do you think about werewolves?" introducing it as an intellectual subject for debate.)

And then I think about my 13 year old brother, just a year older, who has never had to face any of these things that my young Harrisburg friend lists off so nonchalantly. He spends the summer at the lake, plays sports with his friends, goes to the beach with my family.

There is something wrong with this picture.

But how do we get to the bottom of this? How do we confront the disparities that are so deeply rooted in our society and in our world?

My prayer is that I will continue to engage these questions in my life, and that I would live my life seeking answers to these questions.

(P.S. I just finished the book Mountains Beyond Mountains, by Tracy Kidder. Great book, and an amazing example of someone, Dr. Paul Farmer, who lives radically in tension with the above questions!)

Mothering God

A long overdue post (between trips to Guatemala, Belize, and exotic places like Nebraska and New Jersey, I've been out of touch)!

Here are the words to the song "Mothering God," all the way back from May:

Mothering God, you gave me birth, in the bright morning of this world.

Creator, source of every breath, you are my rain, my wind, my sun.

Mothering Christ, you took my form, offering me your food of light,

Grain of life, and grape of love, your very body for my peace.

Mothering Spirit, nurturing one, in arms of patience hold me close,

Go that in faith I root and grow until I flow'r, until I know.

(Jean Janzen, based on the writings of Juliana of Norwich, 15th Century)

Also, a link that describes some of the background of this hymn, which has been somewhat controversial:

http://www.umportal.org/article.asp?id=5704

Belated Mother's Day

On Mother’s Day, Josh and I went to the alternative worship service at Market Square Presbyterian Church. Though I have only been a few times, I always leave those services feeling full, contemplative, with more insight into my relationship with God and others.

This time, the focus was on God as our mother, adapted from Julian of Norwich, a French mystic. The pastor asked us to think about a woman who has had a large impact in our lives. I am blessed; several women popped into my mind- from my aunts, to my high school youth pastor, to my college pastor, to the 6 amazing women I lived with last year in D.C. But my mom was the strongest, the most consistent, and so I chose to focus on her. She was the one who carried me into this world and continually prayed with and for me, taught me daily lessons about faith, helped me to “write scripture on my heart.” We were told to call out words that described the women in our lives, and I thought of words such as “prayerful,” “loving,” “direct,” “honest,” “strong.” We contemplated how these words and many more are characteristics of God as well. This was very touching and beautiful, and afterwards we shared our reflections and sang some beautiful songs.

I have often heard people in the Church say that your relationship with your father has a huge impact on how you see and relate to God. There is no doubt that my ability to view God as a generous, loving father comes from my earthly dad. However, I am not sure I have heard anyone say that about mothers. But what I realized is that my mom has profoundly shaped my relationship with God, and how I see God. My mom has had a direct impact on my view of a loving, strong, honest, nurturing God who thinks the world of me.

I will follow up with a beautiful hymn based on the words of Julian of Norwich...